CTRL Shift ChallEnges

You need challenges in your life to develop resilience. You have to get knocked down in order to learn how to pick yourself back up. Over time, being knocked down can even make you stronger. Plus it makes you less afraid to get knocked down again.  

Not sure if you approach challenges in the ways that build resilience? Here's how to do it.

1. Use emotional distancing

When experiencing a challenge, the ability to think about your experiences as if you were “a fly on the wall,” or as if you were someone else who is witnessing your experiences from afar, keeps you from getting stuck in your negative emotions. Emotional distancing also makes it less likely that you will replay the unpleasant details of the event, and as a result, you don’t feel quite as bad when bad things happen.

To practice this technique, first recall a recent stressful conflict you had with another person. Be sure to choose something very specific. For example, recall when “You got into a fight with Devin about forgetting your birthday.” Try not to think about fights with Devin in general.

Now re-imagine the stressful event from an outside observer’s point of view — for example, from the point of view of a stranger on the street or a fly on the wall.

Ask yourself these questions to practice being a fly on the wall:

• Would the observer be able to understand why you are upset?

• Would the observer be able to see the other person’s point of view?

• How would the observer evaluate the situation?

• Might this observer view the situation differently than you do?

If you prefer, you can also practice this on social media. Next time you are reading about one of your friend's negative experiences on social media, practice switching back and forth from being in their shoes to being in your shoes. Try to notice how being an outside observer helps make the experience seem less intense.

2. Use temporal distancing

Another technique that can help you better handle stress involves thinking about the outcomes of stressful events in the relatively far future. For example, you might tell yourself that “time heals all wounds,” or “this too shall pass.”

The ability to think about a future where you will no longer be feeling so bad about whatever you’re struggling with helps you get through difficult experiences. It can reduce the intensity of negative emotions and the distress caused by the situation. So next time you are in the midst of a stressful situation, try to look back at the situation from sometime in the future.

Start by recalling a recent stressful event. Be sure to choose something very specific. For example, try to recall, “When I failed to get the promotion I was after” instead of failure, in general. Now imagine what your life will be like five years after this event. Ask yourself these questions:

• In five years, what will you be doing?

• How will you be spending your time?

• How will you be feeling?

• How will you feel about this particular event?

3. Use reappraisal

The ability to find the silver linings in stressful or difficult situations (also referred to as reappraisal ability) helps us generate positive emotions, even when there is nothing in our situation to generate positive emotions for us. This is why finding silver linings can help counteract negative emotions, decrease stress, and quicken recovery from stressful events.

How do you find silver linings? You might remind yourself that you’re lucky to have what you have. Or, you might see a challenge as an opportunity to learn and grow.

You see how it works? Now it's your turn to try. Recall a work or school project that didn’t work out the way you hoped. Now, try finding the silver linings of this situation. How could the situation be worse? What are opportunities that could result from this situation? What are the positives? Think of as many reappraisals as you can. Try to be creative and think of anything that would make you feel better about this experience.

4. Find the benefits

Benefit finding is similar to reappraisal, but it can be used in negative, neutral, or positive situations. For example, you might say that the benefits of working a really difficult job are that you learn new skills and build character. But you might also say that the benefits of working a really easy job are that you feel relaxed and have more time to devote to other things you enjoy. With some practice, you can find the benefits to just about any situation.

To practice finding the benefits, first think about a slightly negative experience you had recently. Try not to choose an experience that is extremely negative — it’s important to choose an experience that’s not too bad when you are first learning how to use this technique. You can work up to harder experiences as you become more skilled. For example, maybe your car broke down, or you got in a small fight with a friend.

I know that at first it can be hard to find the benefits of these situations. But the more you practice, the easier it will get. Start by spending a few minutes thinking about the benefits of a negative experience. Try to really search for as many benefits as you can think of. Ask yourself these questions to brainstorm.

• Were there, or will there be, any positive outcomes that result from this situation?

• Are you grateful for any part of this situation?

• In what ways are you better off than when you started?

• What did you learn?

• How did you grow and develop as a result of this situation?

5. Face your fears

In life, a great many things will make you feel uncomfortable. For example, if you’re worried about your finances, you may not want to look at your credit card balance. Or if you had a bad day at work, you may want to drink alcohol to forget about it all. But this kind of experiential avoidance can be dangerous, because the emotions never get resolved. Instead, they fester and build up. If you’re not addressing negative emotions, they never go away, and you carry them with you wherever you go. Now, imagine facing a big challenge when you're already carrying a bunch of negative emotions with you. It's going to be a lot harder to cope, be resilient, and thrive.

So if you are the type to avoid feeling uncomfortable—for example by avoiding doing things that will be hard, having difficult conversations, or being out of your comfort zone—challenge yourself to feel uncomfortable, just in small ways at first. 

Think of something small that makes you uncomfortable, something other people might even find silly, and face your fear. Don’t let yourself back down. If you do, your fear will just build, preventing you from moving forward in the ways you desire.

With Balance & Wellness,

Shayla Peterson

CTrl Shift Self-AwAreness

Self-awareness involves monitoring our stress, thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. It is important, because it’s a major mechanism influencing personal development. Our lives can get out-of-control pretty fast if we are unaware of how and under what circumstances our emotional nature is triggered.

How do we increase self-awareness?

Self-awareness requires self-examination. For example, we can take this well-being quiz to become more aware of what’s negatively affecting our well-being. But that honest, non-judgmental self-analysis isn’t always easy. We tend to berate ourselves for our failings or fantasize about how great we are, when neither is actually the case. We all have a unique mix of “helpful” and “not-so-helpful” traits, but we are largely unaware of them. In order to self-reflect objectively, we need to quiet our minds and open our hearts, forgiving ourself for our imperfections and offering ourselves kudos when we deserve them.

So how do we build self-awareness? 

1. Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness similar to self-awareness in that they both relate to consciously directing our thoughts inward in order to become more aware of our inner state of being, to observe our thoughts and beliefs, and to notice what triggers our emotions as they rise and fall. Mindfulness includes focused attention in the moment to whatever one is doing, and involves practicing such as meditation or a quieting of the mind.

2. Write in a journal

Writing our thoughts or stream-of-consciousness ideas can help us open up to those vulnerable places within. Writing sometimes reveals what contemplation does not, so this method of self-exploration may assist you in expanding your self-awareness. Telling your story, releasing your worries on paper, dreaming up your fantasy situation — these are ways your subconscious can speak to you, revealing what’s really “the matter.” You can alway pick up a black journal from Target, Walmart or Hey Sis with prompts to help you on journaling journey.

3. Be a better listener

“Getting out of ourselves” by focusing on another person, place or thing is a good antidote to reduce the downward spiral of negative thinking. By listening objectively, even lovingly, to what that person wants to or needs to share, we learn how to better listen to our own inner dialogues and opinions objectively and lovingly.

4. Ask for feedback

Since we are with ourselves all the time, we may miss something when we look at ourselves. That’s where the objectivity of others can be most helpful in self-assessment. If you have the courage, ask a friend or acquaintance their opinion of you, or ask about how you managed some project you worked on together or how you handled yourself in some quirky situation.

Try to be resilient and willing to hear what they have to say. When some aspect of self is revealed that could use some additional refinement, be willing to look behind the obvious to its underlying secret or wound. When you find something that needs some re-tweaking, make a mental or written note to yourself to look at it later when you have some time alone for your self-care.

5. Walk in nature

The mind tends to wander along with our feet, so with a little conscious nudging (and walking), we can examine our part in something that is happening in our lives now — at work, in social situations, in our relationships, or within the family.

Let me know which one out of the five mention that you implement today to increase your self-awareness?

With Balance & Wellness,

Shayla Peterson, LCSW

Ctrl ShIft Emotions (part 2)

Learning to Control Your Emotions

Some of us have great control over our emotional responses, and some of us struggle. Doing or saying the wrong thing in the midst of an emotional meltdown could have very negative effects. Say something your boss doesn't like and you could be out of a job.

Gain control of your emotions with these strategies:

1. Realize that negative emotions simply don't last. If you're angry about something right now, you'll probably be over it by next year, next week, or even by tomorrow. But emotions tend to focus our attention right here and now. We don't consider the potential long-term consequences that a temporary emotional state can create.

* Who hasn't done or said something in the heat of the moment that's caused great remorse? Your anger, fear, resentment, or other negative emotion will fade quickly enough. Your rash response may not.

2. Examine your emotions. Learn to notice when you're getting emotional. When you notice yourself reacting strongly, ask yourself why. Try to label the emotion.

* Analyze why you're feeling that particular emotion and then admit it to yourself. This way, you can avoid rationalizing your behavior, which is a nice way of saying "lie to yourself." If you know the real reason you're feeling the way you do, you're more able to do something about it.

3. Create space. Many of the challenges created by our emotions could be eliminated if we could just take a moment before reacting. Getting upset isn't something that happens to us. It's something we do to ourselves, and some of us are very good at it.

4. Find a role model. Would you take stock tips from a homeless man? Probably not! Learn emotional control from those that maintain their composure regardless of the circumstances.

* When you find such a person, ask them how they do it. The answers you receive could make all the difference.

5. Find a healthy way to release negative emotions. Our actions can influence our moods. If you're feeling bored while watching TV, there's no reason to continue watching TV. Immediately get up and go for a walk. Go to the library and find an interesting book. Call a friend. Exercise is a great way to release energy.

* You don't have to passively accept your mood. Go do something else and change it!

6. Try altering your breathing. Many people assume that emotions are entirely psychological, but there is a physical component. Realize that all emotions are ultimately experienced as physical feelings in your body. You've just learned to label certain body feelings with names like "anger" and "fear."

* The only part of your physiology that can be easily controlled is your breathing. Take a look at how you're breathing during a strong emotional response and change it.

* A few ideas you can try are holding your breath for 5 seconds, breathing deeply and slowly for 30 seconds, breathe in slowly and breathe out even more slowly. Think about your breathing and count your breaths. Focus on the physical feeling of the air moving in and out of your body.

If you're used to being controlled by your emotions, you know that it's not easy to maintain your composure. But you can choose to respond differently to your emotions and make wiser choices. Negative emotions exist to inform us that something might be amiss. They are not there to control us.

If you still find managing your emotions challenging, let’s connect.

With Balance & Wellness,

Shayla Peterson, LCSW, LISW-CP

Ctrl Shift Emotions

We’ve all been there: We’re freaking out about something that just happened to us — what someone did to us, said to us, or didn’t do for us. And we’re pissed or terrified, or defeated — our emotions have become overpowering. What do we do now to get our emotions under control when they’ve already gotten completely out of control?

Well, there are tons of ways to better manage our emotions in the long run — for example, we can develop positive thinking skills, reappraisal skills, and resiliency, but these skills require effortful practice over long periods of time.

Sure, learning these skills is a great idea, but what do we do right now to control our already out-of-control emotions? Here are some science-based tips:

1. Cut off the negative thought spirals.

When bad things happen, sometimes we get stuck ruminating about these events, thinking about what happened — or could have happened — over and over. Often it’s these ruminative thought cycles that drive our emotions up, and not the actual event itself. So to control these emotions, we usually just need to stop having the thoughts that are creating them. Of course, that’s easier said than done.

One strategy is to play “I Spy.” It might seem silly, but naming different objects you see around the room can help you redirect your thoughts to other more mundane things, so that your emotions can get a rest and start to calm down. Another strategy to redirect your thoughts is to get up, do something, or change your surroundings — for example, you could excuse yourself to go to the restroom, or if the situation allows, go for a short walk. This approach helps give you a moment to reset and take your thoughts in a new direction.

2. Take deep breaths. 

“Take a deep breath” might seem like a simple platitude, but it actually activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps calm negative emotions like anxiety or anger. So breathing deeply is key when it comes to managing our more challenging emotions.

Because the brain has a harder time making good, rational decisions when emotions are in the driver's seat, we are also likely to make better decisions if we take a few deep breaths first. So when emotions start to feel overwhelming, pause. Take a couple of deep breaths, and bring those intense emotions down a bit so you can carefully choose what to do next.

3. Generate some positive emotions.

Once you’ve calmed down somewhat, and you’re thinking clearly again, it’s helpful to try to reach for the positive emotions into the situation to help beat back those negative feelings. One way to do this is to look for the silver linings in whatever it is that’s bothering you. For example, did your boss tell you that you must redo the work you just did? A silver lining might be that this experience will help you become better at your job in the future. Or, are you upset about something your romantic partner did? This might be an opportunity to improve your communication skills and advocate for your needs in your relationship. It’s not always easy to find a silver lining, but if you can, it’s a good way to generate positive emotions.

Another way to infuse some positive emotions into the moment is with a funny video or inspiring photo. These little, positive things can help deflate even the most intense negative emotions. So if you're feeling really down, do something that generates happiness, so you can start getting back to your normal self.

4. Practice acceptance.

It can seem counterintuitive to accept the things that are bothering us, but indeed, it is good advice to “accept the things you can not change” when you want to control your emotions. Remember that acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean that we agree agree and no matter how upset we get, our emotions can’t change things that are unchangeable. So ask yourself: What part of this situation is unchangeable? Remind yourself to accept those things and focus your effort on the things you can change for the better. 

5. Quit the caffeine.

Caffeine gives us energy. Of course, energy is good, but caffeine can end up producing nervous energy — energy that feels very similar to feelings of anxiety or panic. So if you’re feeling extra anxious, and you can’t figure out what’s causing it, it might just be the caffeine.

If you are already feeling stressed about something, caffeine can exacerbate these emotions, in part because caffeine can negatively affect your sleep. When we don’t sleep well, we don’t manage our emotions as well, so our feelings can get out of control more easily. So limiting caffeine is another good way to keep those emotions in balance.

6. Get some exercise.

If you’re still feeling all riled up and can’t seem to get a handle on your negative emotions, try exercise, because it turns out that exercise is an effective way to boost your mood. Do a few sprints, lift some heavy weights, or do some other activity that gets your heart rate up, because the higher the intensity of the workout, the greater the impact on your mood. The physiological changes that happen in your body make exercise a great solution for intense emotions that you’re having a hard time handling with other strategies.

Your Partner in Balance & Wellness,

Shayla Peterson