CTRL Shift ChallEnges

You need challenges in your life to develop resilience. You have to get knocked down in order to learn how to pick yourself back up. Over time, being knocked down can even make you stronger. Plus it makes you less afraid to get knocked down again.  

Not sure if you approach challenges in the ways that build resilience? Here's how to do it.

1. Use emotional distancing

When experiencing a challenge, the ability to think about your experiences as if you were “a fly on the wall,” or as if you were someone else who is witnessing your experiences from afar, keeps you from getting stuck in your negative emotions. Emotional distancing also makes it less likely that you will replay the unpleasant details of the event, and as a result, you don’t feel quite as bad when bad things happen.

To practice this technique, first recall a recent stressful conflict you had with another person. Be sure to choose something very specific. For example, recall when “You got into a fight with Devin about forgetting your birthday.” Try not to think about fights with Devin in general.

Now re-imagine the stressful event from an outside observer’s point of view — for example, from the point of view of a stranger on the street or a fly on the wall.

Ask yourself these questions to practice being a fly on the wall:

• Would the observer be able to understand why you are upset?

• Would the observer be able to see the other person’s point of view?

• How would the observer evaluate the situation?

• Might this observer view the situation differently than you do?

If you prefer, you can also practice this on social media. Next time you are reading about one of your friend's negative experiences on social media, practice switching back and forth from being in their shoes to being in your shoes. Try to notice how being an outside observer helps make the experience seem less intense.

2. Use temporal distancing

Another technique that can help you better handle stress involves thinking about the outcomes of stressful events in the relatively far future. For example, you might tell yourself that “time heals all wounds,” or “this too shall pass.”

The ability to think about a future where you will no longer be feeling so bad about whatever you’re struggling with helps you get through difficult experiences. It can reduce the intensity of negative emotions and the distress caused by the situation. So next time you are in the midst of a stressful situation, try to look back at the situation from sometime in the future.

Start by recalling a recent stressful event. Be sure to choose something very specific. For example, try to recall, “When I failed to get the promotion I was after” instead of failure, in general. Now imagine what your life will be like five years after this event. Ask yourself these questions:

• In five years, what will you be doing?

• How will you be spending your time?

• How will you be feeling?

• How will you feel about this particular event?

3. Use reappraisal

The ability to find the silver linings in stressful or difficult situations (also referred to as reappraisal ability) helps us generate positive emotions, even when there is nothing in our situation to generate positive emotions for us. This is why finding silver linings can help counteract negative emotions, decrease stress, and quicken recovery from stressful events.

How do you find silver linings? You might remind yourself that you’re lucky to have what you have. Or, you might see a challenge as an opportunity to learn and grow.

You see how it works? Now it's your turn to try. Recall a work or school project that didn’t work out the way you hoped. Now, try finding the silver linings of this situation. How could the situation be worse? What are opportunities that could result from this situation? What are the positives? Think of as many reappraisals as you can. Try to be creative and think of anything that would make you feel better about this experience.

4. Find the benefits

Benefit finding is similar to reappraisal, but it can be used in negative, neutral, or positive situations. For example, you might say that the benefits of working a really difficult job are that you learn new skills and build character. But you might also say that the benefits of working a really easy job are that you feel relaxed and have more time to devote to other things you enjoy. With some practice, you can find the benefits to just about any situation.

To practice finding the benefits, first think about a slightly negative experience you had recently. Try not to choose an experience that is extremely negative — it’s important to choose an experience that’s not too bad when you are first learning how to use this technique. You can work up to harder experiences as you become more skilled. For example, maybe your car broke down, or you got in a small fight with a friend.

I know that at first it can be hard to find the benefits of these situations. But the more you practice, the easier it will get. Start by spending a few minutes thinking about the benefits of a negative experience. Try to really search for as many benefits as you can think of. Ask yourself these questions to brainstorm.

• Were there, or will there be, any positive outcomes that result from this situation?

• Are you grateful for any part of this situation?

• In what ways are you better off than when you started?

• What did you learn?

• How did you grow and develop as a result of this situation?

5. Face your fears

In life, a great many things will make you feel uncomfortable. For example, if you’re worried about your finances, you may not want to look at your credit card balance. Or if you had a bad day at work, you may want to drink alcohol to forget about it all. But this kind of experiential avoidance can be dangerous, because the emotions never get resolved. Instead, they fester and build up. If you’re not addressing negative emotions, they never go away, and you carry them with you wherever you go. Now, imagine facing a big challenge when you're already carrying a bunch of negative emotions with you. It's going to be a lot harder to cope, be resilient, and thrive.

So if you are the type to avoid feeling uncomfortable—for example by avoiding doing things that will be hard, having difficult conversations, or being out of your comfort zone—challenge yourself to feel uncomfortable, just in small ways at first. 

Think of something small that makes you uncomfortable, something other people might even find silly, and face your fear. Don’t let yourself back down. If you do, your fear will just build, preventing you from moving forward in the ways you desire.

With Balance & Wellness,

Shayla Peterson

Ctrl Shift mindfulness

How to be more open, aware & present. Mindfulness—the practice of paying attention and staying present in the moment—has increasingly gained popularity in recent years. Perhaps this is because instead of spending even a second alone, staying present with our thoughts, we reflexively turn to our cell phones (I’m guilty of it at times) for entertainment, comfort, or distraction. Many of us are on our phones at work, in the bathroom - moments that in the past might have been spent unintentionally being mindful.

So how do we reclaim those mindful moments and again learn how to stay present, aware, and accepting of those moments?

Create Mindful Moments

Mindful moments are just small pauses in the business of life. They can be as short as a few breaths or as long as 10 or so minutes where we are actively present in the moment. Turn off the thoughts about the past or future and just notice what’s happening all around you. How do you feel? How do things look? How do things taste? etc... 

The thing about being present and really paying attention is that we learn things about ourselves and our world that we might have been avoiding, perhaps with good reason. But we can deal with these thoughts and feelings once they come into the light.

When we try to just cope with emotions—like anxiety—the causes remain intact. Because mindfulness can help us better uncover and get at the causes, it can be a more effective way to increase well-being. But it’s important to note that mindfulness isn’t easy, so if it doesn’t work for you, that’s completely okay too. 

Research suggests that people with severe trauma, depression, and other challenges like self-harm sometimes struggle with mindfulness. This is understandable since the roots of this emotional pain may be a lot harder to look at and deal with than other types of emotional pain. Please seek the support of a therapist if this is you and you want to use mindfulness.

How to Be Mindful

Even though mindfulness is theoretically possible to practice anywhere, that doesn’t mean it comes easy. Here’s some helpful tips:

To be more aware: If you're mad, ask what you're really mad at. If you're sad, ask what it is you're really sad at. If you're anxious, ask what it is you're anxious about. Don't settle for, "I'm mad at Devin because he was rude to me." Why does that rudeness matter? Why now? Why him? What is happening inside of you that makes you mad?

To be more open: Try not to push away unpleasant thoughts or emotions that arise. You might feel scared to cry in front of others or yell when you're angry. Try not to stifle those emotions. Instead, ask what might be leading you to stifle them. But also try not to generate excess emotions. Are you crying or yelling to get a specific reaction out of someone else? What are you hoping to achieve with your reactions? Try to stay present so you can just experience yourself as you are instead of trying to contort it into some kind of box.

To be more accepting: Try to stop judging or censoring your feelings and thoughts. Seriously, stop it! You may have heard judgy statements like “Boys don’t cry” or “You’re too sensitive” or “Get over it”, and you will, very likely, continue to hear these things. All you can do is refuse to judge yourself (or others), for having emotions. Emotions are natural and we all deserve ours.

Do a Quick Mindfulness Practice

Right now, try to create some negative emotions in yourself. An easy way to do this is to watch a movie or online video clip with a sad or emotional scene. Or if you’d like to challenge yourself, you could imagine something in your own life—for example, failing at something, being embarrassed in front of a crowd, or an injustice experienced by others that bothers you.

Once you have drummed up some negative emotions, stop thinking about the negative experiences and just be. See if you notice any interesting body sensations, emotions, or thoughts. Practice not ruminating on the experience but also not pushing the emotions away. Just be with yourself until your thoughts and emotions trail off.

If you finished this blog article feeling shaky, upset, or overwhelmed, mindfulness may not be for you. If, on the other hand, you feel more centered, calm, and content, keep using mindfulness to improve your life.

You may have additional questions on incorporating mindfulness in your day to day, let’s connect.

Your Partner in Balance,

Shayla Peterson

Ctrl Shift AuthentIcity

Being your authentic self can feel risky now in our screen-obsessed world. We’re just trying to fit in, be liked, and be accepted by other human beings. And as a result, the image we present (on our social media profiles and IRL) have become mere presentations of who we think we should be and not reflections of who we really are. So how do we take off the mask we've been wearing and start to live a life of authenticity?

1. Observe yourself objectively

Learn to observe yourself like a fly on the wall. Watch yourself, observing how the version of yourself that you show the world behaves, what it believes, how it reacts under pressure, and how it responds to challenges. Practice noticing which of these responses feel authentic, and which ones feel inauthentic. By identifying which responses are just “for show” vs authentic, you can begin to notice the falseness and begin to better see the truth underneath.

2. Examine family belief systems

Think back to episodes in your childhood, episodes that led you to stop being your authentic self and instead adopt some other way of existing in this world. By examining where our behaviors come from, we can learn a lot about our authentic selves.

3. Identify discrepancies

Try to become aware of discrepancies between your actions and your beliefs. If you catch yourself making a remark that makes you cringe, ask yourself whether you really believe the words you speak. Are you just saying these things because someone else taught you to?

If you acknowledge what is true for you now, then you can better live your life according to the needs of your Authentic Self. But that kind of authenticity requires self-awareness and self-honesty.

4. Examine your doubts

When exploring your Authentic Self, you may feel unsure of how to go about it. You may question whether it's even possible to change what feels so deeply ingrained within you or is invisible to you. So keep an eye out for feelings of doubt.

Doubts can be like breadcrumbs that lead you to your Authentic Self. If you doubt something—a thought, behavior, emotion, experience—reflect for a moment to find whatever is underneath. Is your Authentic Self trying to tell it to "stop it?"

5. Face your fears 

Humans tend to be most comfortable with what is familiar. The unfamiliar is often challenging, at least at first. Examining your core beliefs can be like exploring a foreign landscape you are unfamiliar with. 

Our Authentic Self often has a lot of fear, sadness, and anger—our true selves were hurt and that's why they hide. However, the difficult secrets we hide from ourselves are what make us who we really are. So as much as possible, and as slowly as you need to, courageously explore the truth of what makes you who you are. Identifying, experiencing, accepting, and letting go of these buried emotions is exactly what fuels your Authentic Self.

6. Explore your values

Integrity, ethics, and living our values is an effective way to live more authentically. The trouble comes when we are so far from our Authentic Selves that we do not even know what our values are. So explore your values and figure out some ways to start living them.

7. Love yourself 

Because it takes self-love for our Authentic Selves to emerge, embedding more love and compassion for yourself is helpful. One way to increase your self-love is to set aside some time aside to take numerous deep breaths each day. You can add this into an existing meditation practice if you like. 

Slowly deepen your breathe and when you are feeling fully relaxed and receptive, call love to yourself from your environment. Imagine each breath infused with loving energy. ​Whether as balls of energy, or bursts, or rays of light and love, invite love to enter your body via your breath. Draw love into your lungs and disperse it throughout your body, or send it directly to your Authentic Self. Keep breathing consciously until you feel the lightening and lifting energy of these "love breaths."

Once filled with love, share some of it with friends or loved ones. Sending love to others tends to expand the love within!

With Alignment & Authenticity,

Shayla Peterson, LCSW, LISW-CP

Ctrl Shift overWhelmEd

Ever had days where everything just feels a little bit too much? Days where it all feels so consuming and you feel like you can’t get anything done? 

As we get older, we find ourselves buried in a never-ending list of priorities, to-dos, commitments, and responsibilities. And this is where the feeling of overwhelm sets in.

Most of us have been there. And it is in no way because we’re weak. It’s only because overwhelm is something we all feel at some point in our lives and that’s okay.

So what can we do the next time we get caught up with overwhelm?

Pause

This may seem a bit flawed when you have five deadlines to meet by the end of the week, but still. It is so important to create sacred boundaries around your time.

Carve out even just 15 minutes of your time to PAUSE. Take a step back from everything and go have a cup of coffee, take a walk, go for a short drive. 

Oftentimes, overwhelm comes from feeling like we have no time. The truth is, we are more in control of our time than we think.

Refocus

A common cause of feeling overwhelmed is because there’s usually a lot going on inside our heads. When overwhelm sets in, it’s easy to lose sight of what’s most important. Instead of trying to do everything at once, take a moment to get clear on what’s most important to you.

There are many reasons why we feel overwhelmed and one of them is the lack of clarity on what we want. Be clear with your priorities and WHY you are doing them. You’ll find yourself focusing on the right things.

Say “no” more

It’s about time you learn to stop putting so many things on your plate. Saying no is one strong foundation of creating healthy boundaries. You can’t be all things at once. Always remember to leave room for yourself.

When asked to take on a project, carefully think about whether you can deliver on that “yes”. Also, be honest — to the person, but mostly to yourself.

Let perfectionism go

One of the most persistent types of overwhelm is feeling like we can never get anything done. But in reality, it’s all because we expect so much of ourselves. We set standards so high that nothing we do feels enough. 

More often than not, we find ourselves constantly trying to do more in the chase of perfection. But all that does is lead us to extreme overwhelm and exhaustion. Let perfectionism go and start working smartly instead.

Create systems for your work, try new technologies, leverage your time by organizing and delegating tasks. Anything that can help you sort through whatever it is you have on your plate, do it. 

Overwhelm is… something we can never avoid. But it is something we can have control over. Learn to figure out what’s driving you to overwhelm in the first place so you can get around it and understand better how to work on it. 

If you want to share your story and talk about more ways you can overcome overwhelm, schedule a consultation with me.

With Balance & Wellness,

Shayla Peterson, LCSW, LISW-CP