CTRL Shift ChallEnges

You need challenges in your life to develop resilience. You have to get knocked down in order to learn how to pick yourself back up. Over time, being knocked down can even make you stronger. Plus it makes you less afraid to get knocked down again.  

Not sure if you approach challenges in the ways that build resilience? Here's how to do it.

1. Use emotional distancing

When experiencing a challenge, the ability to think about your experiences as if you were “a fly on the wall,” or as if you were someone else who is witnessing your experiences from afar, keeps you from getting stuck in your negative emotions. Emotional distancing also makes it less likely that you will replay the unpleasant details of the event, and as a result, you don’t feel quite as bad when bad things happen.

To practice this technique, first recall a recent stressful conflict you had with another person. Be sure to choose something very specific. For example, recall when “You got into a fight with Devin about forgetting your birthday.” Try not to think about fights with Devin in general.

Now re-imagine the stressful event from an outside observer’s point of view — for example, from the point of view of a stranger on the street or a fly on the wall.

Ask yourself these questions to practice being a fly on the wall:

• Would the observer be able to understand why you are upset?

• Would the observer be able to see the other person’s point of view?

• How would the observer evaluate the situation?

• Might this observer view the situation differently than you do?

If you prefer, you can also practice this on social media. Next time you are reading about one of your friend's negative experiences on social media, practice switching back and forth from being in their shoes to being in your shoes. Try to notice how being an outside observer helps make the experience seem less intense.

2. Use temporal distancing

Another technique that can help you better handle stress involves thinking about the outcomes of stressful events in the relatively far future. For example, you might tell yourself that “time heals all wounds,” or “this too shall pass.”

The ability to think about a future where you will no longer be feeling so bad about whatever you’re struggling with helps you get through difficult experiences. It can reduce the intensity of negative emotions and the distress caused by the situation. So next time you are in the midst of a stressful situation, try to look back at the situation from sometime in the future.

Start by recalling a recent stressful event. Be sure to choose something very specific. For example, try to recall, “When I failed to get the promotion I was after” instead of failure, in general. Now imagine what your life will be like five years after this event. Ask yourself these questions:

• In five years, what will you be doing?

• How will you be spending your time?

• How will you be feeling?

• How will you feel about this particular event?

3. Use reappraisal

The ability to find the silver linings in stressful or difficult situations (also referred to as reappraisal ability) helps us generate positive emotions, even when there is nothing in our situation to generate positive emotions for us. This is why finding silver linings can help counteract negative emotions, decrease stress, and quicken recovery from stressful events.

How do you find silver linings? You might remind yourself that you’re lucky to have what you have. Or, you might see a challenge as an opportunity to learn and grow.

You see how it works? Now it's your turn to try. Recall a work or school project that didn’t work out the way you hoped. Now, try finding the silver linings of this situation. How could the situation be worse? What are opportunities that could result from this situation? What are the positives? Think of as many reappraisals as you can. Try to be creative and think of anything that would make you feel better about this experience.

4. Find the benefits

Benefit finding is similar to reappraisal, but it can be used in negative, neutral, or positive situations. For example, you might say that the benefits of working a really difficult job are that you learn new skills and build character. But you might also say that the benefits of working a really easy job are that you feel relaxed and have more time to devote to other things you enjoy. With some practice, you can find the benefits to just about any situation.

To practice finding the benefits, first think about a slightly negative experience you had recently. Try not to choose an experience that is extremely negative — it’s important to choose an experience that’s not too bad when you are first learning how to use this technique. You can work up to harder experiences as you become more skilled. For example, maybe your car broke down, or you got in a small fight with a friend.

I know that at first it can be hard to find the benefits of these situations. But the more you practice, the easier it will get. Start by spending a few minutes thinking about the benefits of a negative experience. Try to really search for as many benefits as you can think of. Ask yourself these questions to brainstorm.

• Were there, or will there be, any positive outcomes that result from this situation?

• Are you grateful for any part of this situation?

• In what ways are you better off than when you started?

• What did you learn?

• How did you grow and develop as a result of this situation?

5. Face your fears

In life, a great many things will make you feel uncomfortable. For example, if you’re worried about your finances, you may not want to look at your credit card balance. Or if you had a bad day at work, you may want to drink alcohol to forget about it all. But this kind of experiential avoidance can be dangerous, because the emotions never get resolved. Instead, they fester and build up. If you’re not addressing negative emotions, they never go away, and you carry them with you wherever you go. Now, imagine facing a big challenge when you're already carrying a bunch of negative emotions with you. It's going to be a lot harder to cope, be resilient, and thrive.

So if you are the type to avoid feeling uncomfortable—for example by avoiding doing things that will be hard, having difficult conversations, or being out of your comfort zone—challenge yourself to feel uncomfortable, just in small ways at first. 

Think of something small that makes you uncomfortable, something other people might even find silly, and face your fear. Don’t let yourself back down. If you do, your fear will just build, preventing you from moving forward in the ways you desire.

With Balance & Wellness,

Shayla Peterson

Ctrl Shift NO

It is such an intrinsic part of human DNA to be a people pleaser. There is that unceasing desire inside of us to make sure everyone else is happy- even at our own expense. And I’m willing to bet that, at some point in your life, you’ve felt a sense of guilt in saying no to work, family, or friends.

You most certainly are not alone.

Today’s culture places so much emphasis on pleasing and serving others. We’ve forgotten how to take care of ourselves. We strive so hard to be the best friend, mom, or employee we can be. Many of us over-commit to relationships or work that do more harm than good. And at the time, we may think that that makes us happy.

But wouldn’t it be better that we feel happy not only for the things we do but also for the things we don’t do? Here’s why learning to say ‘no’ is real power.

Saying ‘no’ creates healthy boundaries

You may be used to saying ‘yes’ to everyone and everything all the time. Setting boundaries is a challenging thing to do. Perhaps we got used to taking on more than we can handle to please others, or agree to squeeze in invites to keep from missing out. But saying no to unnecessary extras in our lives allows for more time on what it is we truly value. Saying ‘no’ gives space for the yeses in our lives. It creates space for the people and moments that really matter the most to us.

It’s an art.

Saying ‘no’ is not something that is mastered overnight. That is why many believe that saying no is an art because the only way you get better at it is with practice. Being honest to express your true feelings takes a relationship deeper than the people-pleasing surface. Saying ‘no’ for the first time definitely won’t be easy, but training yourself to stop saying ‘yes’ all the time is worth it in the long-run.

Saying ‘no’ to others means saying ‘yes’ to yourself.

And isn’t that such a powerful thing? You can’t be all things to all people. You may not be in control of other people’s emotions but you are in control of your ability to speak your truth. Remind yourself of the fact that how other people interpret your truth is on them, not you. It’s time to stop dishonoring yourself at the expense of what people will think of you. Say ‘yes’ to yourself, your values, and the people you love.

Listen, I’m not here to tell you that you need to say no to everything. There is always value in yeses but there are just times when no's are far more powerful. So, the next time you find yourself in a situation where you want to say ‘no’ but can’t seem to do so, ask yourself this: how many times have I shown up for them?

Seems a little selfish? Then ask yourself this: how many times have I shown up for myself? You’ll know what to say after that.

Do you think you’re ready to start saying yes to yourself? Let’s chat and schedule today.

A companion journal to working on coping with negative thinking is Hey Sis: 40 days of self-reflection and encouragement, get here.

With Balance & Wellness,

Shayla Peterson, LCSW

Ctrl Shift Fire

When your anxiety shows up, picture it as fire and you have three choices:

Throw more logs in the fire (feed)

Watch the fire (passive)

Put out the fire (interrupt the cycle)

When we add more logs to the fire, you are thinking more anxious thoughts. Those logs can look like catastrophic thinking, all or nothing thinking or mental filtering.  Often times leading yourself to a scenario that may not happen.

When you sit back and watch the fire, you may not throw logs in the fire, but you not making moves to prevent it from spreading.  This can lead to feelings of panic out of nowhere. 

Put the Fire out, this is the opportunity to provide you with relief from your anxiety.  Take note that your relief may not be immediate or perfect.  You can reduce the escalation with tools.  This is the time to slow down, check in with yourself and slow down your thoughts:

1. Write your thoughts down. Schedule time to acknowledge them. 

2. Write down your feelings about the thoughts. Spend time with them.

3. Re-frame your thoughts. Educate them.

4. Recognize the small wins of relief.  

5. Repeat again.

Will you add more logs, watch it or put out the fire of anxiety?

Ctrl Shift Feelings

Get unstuffed and stop sticking.  Let's take today to address our feelings and being mindful of our emotions. The goals is to notice and experience our emotions and allow them to come and go naturally. That means sometimes experiencing painful emotions without turning the pain into suffering. Emotional Suffering can be created by stuffing or sticking to our emotions, and that's out of BALANCE.  

When Stuffing our emotions, we bottle up l, ignore and reject your emotions. Emotional Stuffers try to push their emotions away. Just because we stuff or ignore our emotions does make them go away. It causes emotional build up, leading to feeling overwhelm and possible breakdown.  

On the opposite end of the spectrum, is Sticking. When we stick to our feelings, we hold on to emotions and try to keep them around. When we emotional stick, we replay stressful situations and experience the emotions over and over again. Sticking prevent are emotions to natural come and go and never provide them with the opportunity to fade. Thus leading emotions to Stick around longer than hey natural would.  

Create Balance by actually feeling your Feelings. Feeling your feelings serves as a middle group between stuffing and sticking. Trying noticing your feelings without holding on to them. Observe and describe your emotions, your sensations, thoughts and urges. Take note of how intensity comes and go. When a new emotions is ready to come in, let the emotion go and notice the new feeling.

Are you Stuffing or Sticking?

Let’s Chat about your feelings.

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With Balance & Wellness,

Shayla